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This is meekakitty, and you are watching A Show with Ze Frank. Yesterday was Pain Day; I doublestacked a doctor's appointment and a dentist appointment. I had to go to the dentist because I purposely forgot my appointment six months ago. And I had to go to the doctor's for a physical because last time I went they told me I had prehypertension, Because apparently bacon isn't the miracle cure it's made out to be. Anyway, I started feeling a little pre-dead as a result of that diagnosis, which is of course technically true in the way RD Laing put it, Namely, "Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality." First they took me into the hallway of shame, where they weigh you and make you lie about how much you drink and exercise while other people watch. Then the nurse put on this automatic inflatable arm-cuff thing, Which reminded me of those little inflatable swimmies that I used to wear before I knew how to swim. And that reminded me of a time when I puked in an indoor pool 'cause I swallowed too much water, And it's totally hard to get up speed when you're wearing those little swimmies, And I ended up dogpaddling through my own puke, which is totally traumatic. Meanwhile this arm-cuff thingy keeps on inflating to the point where it hurts, and then it keeps on inflating, And now I'm locked in this life-and-death battle with a robot that's about to tell me whether I'm pre-dead or not. One bit of good news; my blood pressure came out normal this time, and we figured out last time I'd drank 11 cups of coffee before I came in, Which is apparently not good, and now I get to add another thing to my list of things I love but I'm not supposed to do anymore. Stupid list! So then I get led into that little room in the back, which I like to think of as the Worst Art Gallery Ever, And so I look over at that counter where they keep those jars of cotton balls and tongue depressors which you kinda wanna steal while no one's looking, But you don't really know what you'd use it for unless you're making a diorama of snowmen, But when I look over, there's a freakin' thing of lube and rubber gloves over there! Not only that, but it's literally called Lube! Why not call it something like "Slippicate?" I know Anusol is taken, that's a hemorrhoid cream in Europe. "Anusol, for the anus in us all." Lube? I felt like I was tricked, this was supposed to be about blood pressure, that part of my body is fine. Not that I spend that much time exploring it, but it functions correctly, unless it's supposed to do something I don't know about. Anyway, now I'm all nervous, but I was like, whatever, hang tight, I mean, no, suck it up, nuhrr... be strong. The whole thing reminded me of that Blues standard, "Rubber Gloves in the Corner." Anyhow, good news, they did not use the lube. And I, I mean that they didn't do the thing that they would've used the lube for, not that they did the thing but didn't use the lube, that would've been worse. And if you're confused by what I mean by "the thing," you know how in Australia the toilets go backwards and everything's upside-down? And you know how some people put their fingers in their mouths to throw up? Well now, imagine trying to throw up in Australia. Understand? While I was there I had blood drawn and I had shots, but I was so relieved that they didn't Australian-puke me that I was like, "Oh, I should totally do this when I have bad news to deliver." Matzur, you're fired. Then I went to the dentist, which was pretty uneventful, but while they were practicing needlepoint on my teeth, I looked up and I was like, "OMG, that looks just like that tentacle thing from The War of the Worlds." Now I get it, no wonder they were so afraid of 'em, the aliens were dentists! Short story short, I'm healthy and my teeth are cleaner than they were, happy happy. Just a heads up, next week I'm taking a hianus, I mean hiatus, so prepare accordingly. Bye bye song, it's the bye bye song. Uhlhh
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