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Here on true facts about the tapir. When all of the animals heard that Mrs Tapir was going extinct, they decided to pay her a visit and see if they could offer her some advice. Tiger was first and she said you have such lovely stripes when you're a baby. You should keep them when you grow up. Then people might pay more attention to you. Tapir looked up from her paper and said oh stripes are a bit childish don't you think? I mean for a baby it's fine but adults need to be taken more seriously. Hmm, said tiger. I have stripes and people take me seriously. You know what I did yesterday? I chased down an antelope and I ate its intestines. While it was still alive. It started to scream so I bit off its face. Oh silly tiger, said tapir, but it was obvious that she'd already gone back to clipping coupons. Next came pig and Pig said you're chubby, Tapir, but you should get fat like really fat. I'm fat and humans love me. Tapir paused. But they each you. Pig nodded knowingly and said 'six of one, half dozen of the other' Tapir said 'I don't think you know what that means, Pig' but Pig smiled a knowing smile and replied 'YOLO', and then farted and backed out of the room, making a low 'ooh' sound to seem mysterious. Next came Elephant. Tapir, you should grow outthat trunk of yours like I did. Tapir said, Gosh, no offense but I've had work done to get it to this size. Any bigger and it's just embarrassing Embarrassing? said the elephant. You know what I just did? Sucked water from a kiddie pool without bending my knees, drank half of it, took a crap and used the rest like a portable bidet. What's a bidet? Tapir asked, but then quickly regretted the question when the live demo ensued. Circus Bear came next and said Tapir, I think I have the solution. Entertainment. Come let me see that smile and Tapir smiled and Bear said Let's walk back from the smiling. Can you do any tricks? Tapir shrugged, Well I've never thought silly hobbies were very appropriate for a grown tapir. I do have one trick. And Bear clapped. Let's see it, he said. All right. Oh my, holy - is that Oh, ok, yep, there's the trick. Well I don't think this is suitable for my audience but I do know some bears that run a live webcam show that might be interested. Tapir blushed. Well, I don't use the internet. Crosswords are plenty enough thrill for me. Bird came next. But Bird's an idiot so we won't talk about him. Hippopotamus, on the other hand, said Tapir, I heard you can swim. You should hang out with us and be the badasses of the water hole. People love that stuff. Tapir smiled. Not to brag but I've done a bit of water ballet in my day. and I'm no stranger to a good battling. Hippo frowned. That isn't really badass, Tapir. Yesterday I had the killer crocodiles that bit my ass. Well, said Tapir. That kind of rough housing isn't allowed in the water. Besides I wouldn't be comfortable in a bathing suit all day anyway. And Tapir said thanks but no thanks to all of the animals and closed her door. So she could watch Leno. Just remember if you never take any risks, like Tapir, you might just fade away.
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